Savyasaachi

I was six years old when my family had planned a month-long trip to Tamil Nadu. Tamil Nadu was a place that I had heard of only in the news and in the classroom. All I knew was that it was a state where people spoke Tamil. But I had no clue what it sounded like. To me the language was just weird sounds.

We were a joint family then - 8 adults and 12 kids – along with a driver, a total of 21 people! We kids were all under 13 years of age; three were less than 9! Naturally, we needed a lot of attention, as we were all an adventurous bunch. We ran around, playing in the lifts in hotels where we stayed, up to some nuisance or the other. The 12 of us were unbearable. I cannot imagine the kind of trip our parents had had because of us.

We went to so many places – beaches, temples and parks. “Black Thunder” was my first time at a water-themed park. I still remember standing near the pool with tears streaming down my face as I was scared of the crocodiles that I believed were in the water. I had no idea where the water in the pool had come from and thought it must have originated in some natural water source. How naïve I was!

We wanted to see the Madras International Airport next and begged our parents to take us there. I had no idea what an airport was but still kept nodding my head every time my cousins prompted.

Finally giving in to our demands, there we were, at Madras International Airport.

It was so big. So huge. Gigantic! The airport just conquered all of my thoughts.

It was then that I saw her, as I stood at the top of the stairs, looking down at everyone.

I had seen her in so many Kannada movies then: I could hear her film song playing in my head as I kept staring at her. It was the first time I was seeing a film star in person.

She seemed busy with some papers in her hand, probably on her way to some place.

I was completely mesmerized by her.

Suhasini, Suhasini, Suhasini … she and her song were the only things on my mind.

It took me some time to remember why and with whom I was there in the first place. I looked around and realized I had been entirely lost in my thoughts.

I was lost.

Lost in an airport - in Tamil Nadu - where people spoke a language that was just noise to me.

How was I, a 6 year old girl from Karnataka supposed to communicate?

My heart sunk when I couldn’t locate anyone I knew.

I searched. I screamed. I started crying and ran down the stairs screaming, “Appa! Amma!”

A lady in typical Tamil attire came towards me and spoke to me, but I could make no sense of the words that came out. It only made me cry more. I tried running to the entrance through which we came in, but the security guards stopped me - I was not allowed to go out!

I grabbed the security guard’s leg and shouted, “Nanage Amma beku, nan Papa beku - bidi, nan hogthini” but all in vain.

All that pleasant feeling that I had few minutes back gave way to dread, hopelessness, and fear. Fear that I would be lost forever from my parents, my brother, my family!

No, I had to find my relatives before they left the place. I had to get away from the people around me. They could not understand a word I spoke, nor could I comprehend them! I wanted to run, but they would not let me! So I fell to the ground and kept screaming.

In no time, some men in khaki came. Seeing the police, I was further scared. What was I to do?

Bite everyone there, escape and run till I found my parents? Or cry till they heard my wails and got back to me?

But neither would work, there was just so much chaos around. My heart was in pieces as I realized they hadn’t still come for me. Had my Mom and Dad forgotten me? Was I loved so little as to be left behind?

As I sat there thinking my life was over; I saw a ray of light drawing near - A familiar face! A face I had known for only several days now, was it…?

It was our driver and he had come looking for me!

Thanking God, I ran to him and held him tight. I was at no loss for words as I kept rambling on about the last hour or so.

What was more, he spoke to the security guards in Tamil! I felt like a mute person who found her voice again, only in the form of this man.

I stepped outside and there stood my parents, my brother and the rest of the family. I rushed to them with all my strength – I had found them, I found myself again. It felt like a reunion with my original life, away from all the horrors I had dreamt up for myself, lost in that airport lounge. The entire trip I kept narrating the incident, tiring everyone with my words and tears.

Yet, those few hours still haunt me and fill me with an unsurpassed sadness.

And here I am, 14 years later, returning to the same city for the first time since that dreadful day. And it scares me still, those flashbacks, those memories. That feeling of being lost.